Where Have All The Dollies Gone?

I'm looking for a doll - a baby doll. I don't need her to speak Spanish. I don't want to hear a heartbeat when I pick her up, or mix a tablespoon of warm water with a packet of powder so she can "make" a diaper.

I just want a regular baby doll. The kind that has a smooth rubber head with little hair lines etched into it. Eyes that slide closed when she lies down and a fixed pink mouth parted just wide enough for her tiny bottle. No bendable knees or flexible fingers. I want the stiff plastic arms and legs that rotate 360 degrees in the socket and pop out of the torso if they're pulled in any other direction. Slightly rounded belly, slightly webbed toes, and a little v-shaped crease for her bottom. That's the doll I'm looking for.

I find Barbie dolls, Beanie dolls, Dora dolls and Doodle dolls. Dolls that shop, dolls that bop, cowgirls, schoolgirls, newsgirls, American Girls... no plain old baby dolls.

Grrls for teens, Bratz for tweens, Snap & Style, Design My Style, Little Mermaid, Little Mommy, Mommy Make Me Better (for the junior co-dependent in your life). Cabbage Patch dolls are back with the same freshly-punched-in-the-face-look that shoppers punched each other in the face for in the early-1980's.

Doesn't anyone have dolly dolls anymore?

There's a whole section of aroma-therapized dolls. Corolle Lila is "infused with a delightful vanilla scent." Yikes! Fifty dollars worth of delightful vanilla scent. Smell-erific Berry Beautiful Babies share a shelf with the new and improved Strawberry Shortcake - now with perma-scent! - and something called a Thermal Doll. What the heck is that?

I don't know what these Only Hearts Club dolls are either, but they've got to be better than the scary Chucky dolls and this line of Ugly Dolls that definitely live down to the name.

For $49.99 I can have two-way conversations with the artificially intelligent Amazing Amanda. She laughs, talks, cries and changes her facial expressions to reflect her mood. She even interacts with her play pieces. Please, for fifty bucks I'd like a doll that at least pretends to need me.

Oh, thank goodness. Baby Alive. I remember her! Soft skin, soft curls, and a sweet smile... hmm... today's version slurps and spits. Very nice. That's what you want to teach your kid.

That's it. I'm hitting the dollar store on the way home. I'll surprise my daughter with another colorful, lead paint-tainted puzzle instead of the baby doll I wanted to give her.

Puzzles, puzzles, where are the puzzles? Wait a minute. What's this? (my pulse quickens) Rubber head. Molded plastic torso. Little comma-shaped belly button. Dolly?

It is you! Oh, Dolly! Of course. I should have known that the only place to find an all-American baby doll anymore is in a store full of Third World sweatshop goods!

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